We've Been Acquired! Bye Bye Windscribe, Hello BSVPN!
Lighthearted

We've Been Acquired! Bye Bye Windscribe, Hello BSVPN!

Geoff Pesos
6 min read
Geoff Pesos

The Dawn of a New Era

We are immensely proud to announce that Windscribe has been acquired by Gape Technologies™ for $696,969,420. It is with great honor that we are joining their portfolio of privacy companies, including but not limited to, SmurfShart, CyberSpirit, ExcreteVPN and MIA.

To celebrate this auspicious occasion, Windscribe is officially rebranding to BSVPN. That’s right. Windscribe is a thing of the past… and BSVPN is the future. We're not selling out, we're buying in! Our service is so good, we won’t even allow you to cancel your membership! We deserve your business forever. So tighten up your girdle and prepare yourself for a new era of privacy technology! Watch the video below to learn more.

What We Stand For

BSVPN stands for Brilliantly Secure Virtual Private Network. We are dedicated to keeping your Virtual Privates Brilliantly Secure, and we also want to Secure Your Privates, Virtually and Brilliantly.  Are your Privates Brilliant? Then we will keep them Networked and Virtually Secure. Talk about versatility!

Our New CEO

BSVPN is excited to welcome our new CEO, Geoff Pesos. Geoff began his career as an aspiring magician's assistant, and moved on to get educated at MIT (Moldovan Institute of Tetris) with a Bachelor of Criminal Ethics and a Masters in Theoretical Gymnastics. He has pioneered the use of words like "cool-tastic" and "excellentronic". Possessing an almost supernatural lack of morality, Geoff promises to take BSVPN to new heights that will maximize our profits and probably your privacy too!

Our World Renowned CEO and Cybertruck renter, Geoffrey Pesos

A Whoooole New Staff, Don't You Dare Close Your Eyes

Remember our old employees? Their kindness, their hard work, their fierce loyalty... well, at BSVPN we believe in phrases like "new and improved" so we fired them all! In fact, BSVPN is so committed to improving your safety and security, we've replaced everyone with new staff that have verified backgrounds working for Israeli, US, Chinese, Russian and Hawaiian intelligence agencies! This way, you know your information is in the hands of experienced security and privacy professionals. Plus, they have all pinky sworn that they won't be reporting your cup size to the NSA. That's a BSVPN guarantee*!

* Under no circumstances do we guarantee this guarantee.

So Many Locations

Want even more innovation? At BSVPN, we got rid of global server locations and replaced them with the ability to connect to servers in the past! That’s right you hungry little time travelling hippos, BSVPN lets you go back in time when everything was simple: when dental floss didn’t track your personal information; when Amazon only sold books; when the Food Network actually taught you how to make food. Simply connect to our "US in Early 2000" servers and get a taste of history! Remember when gas didn’t cost more than the price of a used car that cost more than the price of a new car? BSVPN remembers, and we created a "Mid-2018" server just for you! Miss the ability to duel to the death? Connect to our "1832 Texas" server. It’s really that simple.

At BSVPN we are committed to ensuring that all of our users are ensured about being ensured about our time travel server capabilities. That is a promise*.
- Geoff Pesos

* Promises are not to be taken at face, leg, or any type of value.

Our Sumptuous Servers

Each one of our servers are picked by teams of hyper-intelligent meerkats with God-fearing human names like “Dustin” and “Helga”. They scour Compaq server trees for weeks at a time, picking only the sweetest, most succulent Compaq servers possible. We then retrofit each server with the creamiest organic RAM, and the crispiest, most juiciest CPU’s on earth - that’s right, i486 processors - spared no expense. Now that's excellentronic!

Modems, servers, what's the difference?! That's the BSVPN difference. 

Methamphetamine Levels of Speed

You want speed? At BSVPN, we taped 246 56k modems together and then watched in horror as those modems made love to 491 28.8k modems. That’s like… 246x56 to the power of 491x28.8. A number so big, no human mind can calculate it without the help of a computer! Server speeds so fast they'll rot your teeth, and ruin your life!

Excellentronic!
- Geoff Pesos

Say Goodbye to Ads and Trackers (Unless they are ours)

Before being acquired by Gape Technologies™, we ensured that users would never have to deal with ads and trackers when they browsed the internet. But that is so 2020. Now, we ensure that you only have to deal with our ads and trackers. How cool-tastic is that?!

I love your privacy so much I want to share your private browsing history with everybody.
- Geoff Pesos

New and Improved Relentless Marketing Campaigns

BSVPN is all in on advertising. Prepare your eyeballs and earballs for a new era of the most unrelenting, in your face advertising and sponsorships you could have ever imagined. Trying to save your grandma from choking on a Werther's Original by learning CPR on YouTube? Not before you see an ad for BSVPN, you don't! Or maybe you're watching a kid review toys, or a furry teach you how to make salsa... Those are leading authorities on internet privacy right there, you bet your ass they're going to be plugging BSVPN!

Secure From All Kinds of Eyes

Worried about 5 Eyes? Well guess what? Our servers are entirely run by blind mole rats! We also installed 9,000 KW bulbs inside our server rooms, so literally anyone that even tries to look into our servers is immediately blinded. That's not all, as an added layer of security we've deployed advanced robotic sentries that drive around with black-market sourced human fingers taped to them to poke any eyes that remain unblinded. Talk about safe and secure! Synergy! Buzz words!

The safest, most securest servers for ultimate privacy

The Cheapest Prices in the Universe

Our services are so amazing that we want everyone to have them. We had to compete with the likes of FjordVPN and ExcreteVPN who’s cheap as shit service reflects their cheap as shit products. We refuse to be out-shitted, so at BSVPN, we pay you to use our service. How will you receive payment? As NFT’s, obviously. They will never lower in value.

We're Giving Back

BSVPN is more than a technology company, it's a technology company that cares deeply about the most important issues facing humanity today. That's why we use a very large small portion of our revenue to fund important sustainable initiatives like:

  • Vapes4Kids: The world's first and only NGO geared towards preventing children from smoking cigarettes by giving them vapes right out of the womb. Now, instead of just smelling like poop, children can smell of pineapples... and poop. Enjoy your Juul, lil' Timmy!
  • CatStation: Our "give PlayStation to cats" initiative has ensured that over 23 cats have received brand new PlayStation 5s in the last two years alone. We then gave those cats to orphans, so that the cats can describe what owning a PlayStation 5 feels like. Move over Red Cross, there's a new sheriff in town!
  • Meatucation: BSVPN has spent literally hundreds of dollars on programs where vegetarians can have the taste of various meats described to them in detail. Now that's progressive!

We’re The Best

No other VPN service can do what BSVPN does. If you can find another time travelling VPN with servers picked by meerkats and maintained by blind rodents at a lower price, we will match them and pay you a further 20% more to use our service. We will literally waterboard you with NFT’s until Geneva invites us to their convention.

Thanks To Users Like You

This April 1st, we want to thank all of you for sticking by our side and supporting us throughout the years, from our self-funded ethical past, to our fully-funded, ethically dubious future. We look forward to forcing you to use our service well into the next century.

Drowning you with love,

Team BSVPN


Geoff Pesos
Geoff Pesos