A Last-Minute ChristMoose Miracle: Pro for $39!
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A Last-Minute ChristMoose Miracle: Pro for $39!

Simon Phoenix
Simon Phoenix

Christmas and the holiday season are a very special time of year celebrated all over the world. In Greece, Santa gives children handfuls of high-quality feta cheese and olives. In Russia and Ukraine, Santa doles out ladles of pocket-borscht to excited children who never smile in public because smiling is seen as a weakness there. In Finland, kids are given salted licorice and pictures of the sun so they don’t forget what it looks like during those long and dark Suomi winter months. In Colombia, El Santa gives the niños kilos of cocai... Coca Cola. Just kidding, this isn't a Netflix script. And in some places, Santa wears sweatpants and Crocs then beats you up, steals your shoes, and robs you of your wallet – all because you're wearing the wrong football team jersey… lookin’ at you, Philadelphia.

A typical Christmas in Philly

In Canada, Santa carries syringes of maple syrup that he either squirts into the mouths of good children or injects into the bodies of naughty ones. We also celebrate with the Annual Holiday ChristMoose Slap. We specially select a moose from a group of meese (the plural of moose, duh) that most looks like Drake. This is difficult as most meese look like Drake, but the Drakiest moose gets crowned the ChristMoose. Then we send a group of our bravest citizens to slap the ChristMoose and make bets on how long it will take for the moose to kill them. The record so far is 1.3 seconds. Metric seconds, so that is basically 20 milliseconds in Imperial time. The ChristMoose then releases a subpar album that inexplicably ends up on the Billboard Top 20.

The event serves two main purposes: firstly, it lowers our surplus population; and secondly, the gambling serves as our National Lottery. Last year one of our citizens won $69 million dollars. Canadian dollars. Which is equivalent to $23 American dollars, or £4 pre-Brexit British pounds. Finally, one of our citizens can afford a Big Mac combo in the US. We are hoping they bring Big Mac technology back to Canada so we can feed our population with more than seal jerky and steaks shaped out of snow.

A typical Canadian eating our national dish, the Snow Mac

Other traditions include sales at our most popular Canadian retailers. The Beaver Outlet, for example, has a 4-for-1 sale – if you buy one beaver, you get 4. Just to clarify, it isn’t an adult entertainment venue - for those of you who may be confused – it’s far too cold here for such dens of iniquity. Plus it would be a health code violation for dancers to work in -40C, otherwise, we’d all be doing it. Then there’s Windscribe. You may not know this, but we contribute to 61% of the GDP and 83% of the jobs in Canada. We have fifty employees - huge numbers. In fact, every time we hire someone, we get a personal call from our Prime Minister, Justin “The Mooseknuckle” Trudeau, tearfully thanking us for lowering unemployment numbers. We then rub his tears on our chapped lips to keep them sumptuous and glistening during the winter.

This holiday season, our sale will get you a sweet taste of privacy and freedom that Belarusian children can only dream of – only $39 a Year for Windscribe Pro! Unlimited access to all of our choicest Wagyu servers in beautiful countries and cities around the world. The money you spend will go towards heating our offices and providing jackets to ensure that none of our staff freeze to death. Winter gets so cold in Canada that our rib cages turn into windchimes. The songs coming out of our chests actually sound like Bryan Adams songs… which is why we need thick, soundproof coats – so none of us have to listen to that trash.

Fact: When Bryan Adams sings, the gap in his teeth emits a whistle that makes dogs barf

Since you got all the way here, we also wanted to remind you that we're still releasing the ABCs of the Internet series of shorts. Each one contains a special code that can give you an incomprehensibly amazing discount.

Last but not least, we've also released some elaborate feature pages that talk about all the bells and whistles of all the Windscribe apps and browser extensions.

Desktop Apps

Mobile Apps

Browser Extensions

Wherever you are and whatever, or whoever, you celebrate, we hope you celebrate well and get to give great gifts to the ones you love and receive great gifts from the ones you love.

Love and peace to all you meese!

Team Windscribe

Simon Phoenix
Simon Phoenix